Today, I woke up much earlier than I normally do. In fact, this is the fourth morning in a row this has happened. The fourth time my dream has been invaded by the same person. The fourth night that I have seen, one who I believe is one of my soulmates.
I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know why five years after she left I still ache to see her and feel her touch. I miss her.
I don’t remember the dreams. I only remember her being in them. In them I feel as though I’m mute and can’t speak out to her. It feels as though I’m so close to reaching her but can’t.
Five years ago, as we were in the throws of our dying marriage and its last breaths being taken, I remember at the very end thinking I had exhausted every effort possible to convince her not to leave… even giving up my dignity, getting on my knees begging her not to leave… begging her. There was no convincing her to stay. She was resolute. I said everything I could except goodbye.
[Deist gets out of bed and gets in the shower]