three good rules

I used to be on a speaker’s circuit. yes, believe it or not, i was paid and requested to speak to audiences.

When I was in the military, I was the mouthpiece for the command and would advise the C.O. on matters public affairs. I would periodically be asked to represent my command and speak on a subject appropriate to the event. Some memorable ones are noted below.

Sweeny Elementary the day before the Mosquito Festival. Sweeny, Tx pop: 3,624
The Sisters of Mercy Hospital on Veterans Day. Houston, Tx approx 23 people in attendance.
Spring Branch Elementary in Houston for Career Day. This was a big one. Grades K-5th. Of course all they wanted to know was if I ever shot anyone.

I remember my 7th grade English teacher responded to the question “how long should our report be?” by saying, “It should be as long as a girls dress… Long enough to cover everything but short enough to be interesting.” It was one of the most profound things i think i learned in junior high other than learning my civics teacher (who I had a huge crush on) drank beer. This I learned when I walked into a Charlie’s Hamburger joint and saw her there with friends. I was mortified as was she. But I digress.

So I used to apply the “girls dress” concept to speaking engagements. However I always left enough time to end with these three rules, that I called “The Sergeant’s Rules to Live By.”

If it’s not yours… don’t touch it without asking.
If it’s smaller than your elbow… don’t put it in your ear.
And if it isn’t food or medicine… it probably shouldn’t go in your mouth.

I’m gonna send a letter to the Pope or somebody in charge and see if we can add these somewhere in The Good Book. I mean c’mon… these are good rules to live by. Besides it’s been done before. I’m reading a book that says so. It’s called “Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why”. So if it’s been done before why can’t we add a few more good rules. We should probably add something about keeping with good oral hygiene as well. Just makes sense.

[Deist reaches for the dental floss]

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One response to “three good rules

  1. If it’s not yours… don’t touch it without asking.
    If it’s smaller than your elbow… don’t put it in your ear.
    And if it isn’t food or medicine… it probably shouldn’t go in your mouth.

    I like it. And they’re shorter than the seven principals.

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