an absence

I haven’t been around here in a while…  I’ve been absent.

I’ve been reading a little and making a comment now and again but I haven’t written in more than a month… close to six weeks or so now.

I’ve wanted to though. I’ve had quite a few things pop in my head to write about but I feel like unless I write about what happened in November and get it off my chest I just can’t post anything else.

I mean, when i started this blog I thought it would just be me reading this. I had no idea people would stumble on this and take a look and that I would find myself in a little community of people I  feel close to.  It didn’t even occur to me that I would find a community of writers who I look forward to reading about… you know, reading about their lives and that they would want to know what’s happening with me.

I was also hoping that maybe some day, my daughter would find this and read about me and maybe learn a little about her dad that I didn’t tell her when she was young.

Hi Little Fawn.  You out there reading this?   : )

Anyway…  so with my little blogging community of friends  and daughter in mind I feel compelled to write about what happened to me and The Deistette several weeks ago.

By the way, The Deistette is here, too.  Say hi Emilie.

Deistette:  hi everyone.

Deist: Sooooo…. what do you think, Emmie.  I guess we could start with a little synopsis and get everyone up to speed.

Deistette:  ok

Deist: Well, we met online.  We wrote to each other and talked on the phone…

Deistette: for hours!

Deist: yes, for hours and hours on end.  Our first date was at church camp in Oklahoma for a week in the same cabin… just us two.  I know!… crazy first date, huh.  She went back to the Texas panhandle and me back to the Gulf Coast Plains.  We talked for hours and hours.  Couldn’t stand being apart, moved her out here during a hurricane, found a dog… named him Canyon.  He eventually ran away to go back to his original home (that’s what we tell ourselves so we don’t think he was picked up by the pound).  The house was a wreck.  Two person’s things inside a tiny house.  Much junk…

Deistette: Honey it’s people’s.

Deist: what?

Deistette: you typed “person’s” It’s “people’s”

Deist:  Person’s.

Deistette: People’s

Deist:  Em…

Deistette: yes. : )

Deist: Can i write this please….

Deistette:  uh huh. : )

Deist:  THANK YOU!

PERSON’S! things in one house.  On top of all that, there was water damage to the house from the hurricane and mold (which Em is deathly allergic to… she got sent to the hospital a couple of years ago because of contact with mold) began to grow in the bedroom.  We moved everything out of that room and up until about two weeks ago didn’t have the biggest room (which is only about 12×17) in this tiny house available.

Then despite an admonition from Emilie’s mom about her being… how did she put it hon?….

Deistette: She said, “prolific.”

Deist: yes, that’s the word she used… “prolific.”  So despite this warning, foretelling, psychic vision, foreshadowing… just plain ol’ mom’s way of saying “BE CAREFUL,” we weren’t… and Emilie went and got herself pregnant.

Deistette: Got MYSELF pregnant!  i think I had some help mister!

Deist: Ok… WE found ourselves pregnant.  Yes, that’s right… in October, we found out I had slipped one past the goalie and Emilie was in a delicate way.  After experiencing one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, I finally came to grips with the idea that I was going to be a father again.  It wasn’t easy getting to that mindset.  In fact, it was really difficult to deal with.

But then just as I settled into the idea… just as I began actually getting excited… actually looking forward to watching her belly grow (i had already started taking pictures of it for the obligatory YouTube video of her belly growing in time lapse) and thinking I would have another daughter or son… the unexpected happened.

Emmie lost the baby.  She began to miscarry on November 10th and as the days went by complications started to come with the miscarriage and I had to take her to the emergency room.  Three times in about two weeks I took her to the hospital and it ended with them doing a procedure that left her physically and emotionally hurting.

It left me hurting, too.  I felt helpless.  I felt like I wasn’t taking care of her like I promised her mother I would when we left the Panhandle.

I know it left The Deistette hurting, too and we both still feel an absence.

…. an absence.

It’s weird how attached we got to the little life that was growing inside her.  At least it’s weird for me.  I guess for an expectant mother the attachment is instantaneous.  The absence is quite real though and she and I both feel a pang now and again.  I’m quite aware of how many pregnant women and little newborns I see day to day.

So if you go back to my NaNoWriMo posts, specifically the one just before this one, you can see why I was a little preoccupied and not really in a state of mind to work on a 30-day novel challenge.

We were able to get through it though.  Right Emmie?

Deistette: Yes, we did honey.

Deist:  We leaned on family and friends.  Church friends and even some blog friends.  Consoling words and consoling hugs were deeply appreciated.

Deistette:  Are you going to tell them about the other news?

Deist: Yes, just gimmie a minute.  I’m being gushy.  Let me finish being gushy over our friends.

Deistette:  okaaaayyy.

Deist: [blink blink blink]  : |

Deistette: Well, aren’t you going to say anything more about how our friends and family were there for us?

Deist:  No…. i guess I’m done.

Deistette: Ok, ok, Tell them.

Deist: Alright… well, on…

Deistette: Oh, and don’t forget to say how you hid it in the tree for three days.

Deist: Ooooh KAYYY!

[pause]

So i hid it in the tree for three days.

Deistette: oh and how you got down on one knee.  Don’t forget that.

Deist:  Alright!

[pause]

Em…

Deistette: Yes, sweetie.

Deist: Can i finish the story.

Deistette: ok. 🙂  [Deistette grins as she anticipates the announcement)

Deist: You know what Em… you just blew the surprise.  Now everybody knows what I’m gonna say cuz you just said, “don’t forget to tell them how you got down on one knee.”

Deistette: What!… they could think you got on a knee to find a Christmas present under the tree or tie your shoe or…. or…

Deist: Or what Emmie… or what?

Deistette:  OR ASK ME TO MARRY YOU!!!   Hee hee!  Yep, he asked me… got down on one knee and everything.  I had been thinking that he would propose over Christmas,  but when we’d opened all the presents and started getting ready to go to his sister’s house, I figured he just wasn’t going to. THEN, Little Fawn started making pointed references to the TREE 😀 He proceeded to pull a little box out of the top branches (a little 4 ft tree, not some huge tree that would be easy to hide things in). He got down on one knee (I could tell he was really nervous), and asked me to marry him.

Of course I said yes!! 😀 Then he told me that the box had been there for three days.

I hadn’t noticed it! I had thought I was so clever to sneak his present in his stocking right under his nose, but he had me beat.  The ring had been in the tree for THREE! days. I had to kick him for that one! 😛

Deist: Can i finish the post, hon.

Deistette: No! give me the keyboard back. I’m not done.

Ok, there is a backstory to this proposal. One night, a few weeks ago (not sure the date), I was sound asleep and Jules started messing with my hands trying to see if I was awake. He lifted my hand and let go… thunk.  Lift… thunk.  Lift… thunk.

I was in a deep sleep but I actually woke up even though I sleep like a rock.  So when I was conscious, although he didn’t know it, he actually tried the ring on me! I didn’t see the ring and in the morning wondered if that really happened or if I dreamed the whole thing. He admitted to doing it later 🙂

He also came home one night (somewhat drunk, and yes, I was pissed for him driving home like that), and asked me to marry him, TWICE. The second time he almost fell off the bed, so I figured out then that he was drunk. He claimed not to remember any of it the next morning. After he proposed on Christmas day, he admitted that he did remember it but was trying to throw me off track, the little… *&^(*%!

Deist:  [blink… blink… blink…]  : |

Ahem… I’m sorry y’all.  I didn’t know she was gonna be this chatty.  Maybe she should start her own blog, huh.

Anyway, if it seems as though we’re light-hearted about losing the baby, it’s only because we went through this with each other.  We cried a lot.  Hurt a lot.  But we’ve healed quite a bit.  It still hurts though…

doesn’t it Emmie.

Deistette:  [Em rests her head on Julian’s shoulder and whispers…]  yes, it does.

Deist: But we’re ok.  Ok, because of our friends and family.  Ok because of church friends and yes, even blog peeps.  you know who you are… thank you so much for your correspondence.

Deistette: Mostly, we’re okay because we have each other, and we hope we always will.

Deist: Yep… because we have each other.

It’s nice to have friends to lean on too. Hope to see you all (well at least those who live nearby anyway), at our wedding.

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14 responses to “an absence

  1. I’m glad to hear from you Jules … and Emmie. I’m so sorry for your loss, but celebrate with you in your joy of finding each other, committing to each other. I’d say “love to you both” but it sounds redundant. Happy New Year.

  2. Congratulations!

  3. Wow!! Wow!!! There is just so much here. Couldn’t the two of you split this up into installments for easier commenting. I guess that I’ll just tell the two of you congratulations!

    On a sad note. I’ve lost two babies. But when I did I was utterly, completely and totally alone. Even though I was married. I’m so glad you were able to be there for one another.

    Happy New Year!

  4. I’ll echo bibliomom on this: Wow!!

    Congratulations to the both of you. Jules, you deserve much happiness.

    And what wonderful news. I have to admit I was reading bad things into your silence, so I’m so happy to see I was wrong.

    Just don’t drop out of sight, ya hear?

  5. Disarming honesty laced with warmth and humor… you two complement each other beautifully when you write in this style. I bet that’s true of other areas of your life, too.

    A part of me wants to warn… ‘Slow, slow, slow…’ Take your time. Enjoy this early part of courtship and getting to know one another, it doesn’t come around again, but who am I to be the voice of wisdom with my relationship track record?

    Just do, whatever you do, remember to enjoy each other, yes?

  6. wow. first of all CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement. That is awesome. Secondly, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have had two miscarriages and now have two healthy little boys. I know how it feels and how quickly we can become attached to a baby even in the first few weeks (lost both of mine around 9 weeks). Anyhow, I think it is so wonderful you have someone to go through hard times like this with. It says a lot for you both to plod forward holding hands. Best to you both!

  7. 🙂

    Congratulations on your engagement! Your post just brims with love…it’s awesome to read.

    And my heart goes out to you on your miscarriage. Having such compassionate partners in each other, I’m sure your hearts will heal completely – and you’ll look forward to new things together!

  8. Ah, so bittersweet. Very sad to hear about the loss. My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 4 months, and I can emphathize with the enormous sadness. It’s a loss, too, of hope and a whole world that one creates around that hope. But also the physical and real loss.

    But there is a certain focusing in on priority, what you really love. Congratulations on the marriage proposal, the now and the future. This conversation alone shows what a compatible and adorable couple you are.

  9. Hi all… thank you so very much for your kind words. It means so very much to me.

    Y’all are the best.

    I can’t say anymore without getting all verklempt so…

    thank you.
    thank you very much.

  10. Congrats man on the engagement…sorry about everything else :-/ I didn’t know you attempted nano as well. Next year we can keep each other on task.

    I’ll let you know the next time I head to Houston

  11. Sorry to hear about the miscarriage, my dear… and sorry that it’s been awhile since I’ve been by. I’m happy you found an awesome life partner. Hi Deistette!

    I got engaged as well… moving in with my love in March. We’re finishing the house (it was the house he grew up in) since it was upgraded and we actually still like each other! Hee hee! I am super happy, and so is he. It only took me 41 years (my birfday was this past Sunday) to get it right, ROFL!

    Take care, my friend! 🙂

  12. Hey Kinsi… thanks for the well wishes. Who knows maybe I will try NaNo again. And yeah, let me know next time you make it out here.

    My dearest Melon Girl… I read about your news a week ago and it’s been on my mind every day since. I am so, so, so very happy for you. It is wonderful news to hear.

  13. Pingback: a dream the other night « a UU Deist in Texas

  14. Pingback: I used to love this UU annual ritual « a UU Deist in Texas

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