Becoming married vs. getting married

It’s the first day of Spring today and coincidentally and somewhat through design, it is also my wedding anniversary. The Deistette and I got married two years ago today.

Hardly a milestone. I mean real milestones are a 20th, 25th or 50th anniversary right?

At two years a couple is still trying to find their groove… still trying to figure out who the hell this person is sleeping next to me. At two years, we’re still working on not letting our tell-tale feelings show in a facial expression after a certain meal presented to us.

“Mmmmm… this looks [lifting a portion of dinner up with the fork for moment] um, great, hon.”

We’re still trying to figure out the dance steps necessary not to bump into each other as we get ready in the morning. We are still dealing with our personality quirks and eccentricities, dealing with having let go of a little of our former lives after we said our “I do’s” yet at the same time, we’re still new enough to our marriage to revel in dreams of what life holds in store for us as we continue our walk towards the setting sun.

Yeah, that sounds awesome doesn’t it. Like we really have our shit together and are in a great healthy marriage and are in it for the long haul.

Healthy? Maybe. I guess.
We’re not on the verge of killing each other so I guess that’s a plus.

Those engaged and newlyed this goes out to you!
This is HARD friggin’ work. Although we have a lot in common, The Deistette and I have enough differences that we make the Rebels and the Yanks look like childhood playmates. But we push through. We made a promise to each other and we ARE in for the long haul.

We’ve had some tense and some difficult moments in the short time since we got married. I mean big ones. And without getting into the details of some of what has happened along the way, just know those events have placed an extreme amount of stress on us. So much stress that there have been moments where we have said out loud, “maybe we should go our separate ways.”
[sigh]

It’s been hard. This has been really hard. But you know what…
It’s through weathering the storms, minor and major that we have become married. And the aftermath of weathering those storms creates pillars that give substance and balance and a sturdy foundation to rest our marriage on.

I ran across an article last year by Elizabeth Weil, who is a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine. She wrote a piece about her marriage. In her second paragraph was something that has stuck with me since and helps me to try and work harder at this marriage than the other two I was in that didn’t work out.
Weil writes:

I believe that you become married — truly married — slowly, over time, through all the road-rage incidents and precolonoscopy enemas, all the small and large moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn’t plan to endure. But then you do: you endure.

Yes… we endure. And together walk towards the setting sun.
Happy Anniversary, Emmie.
We are becoming married.

she carried tulipsEmmie carried tulips on our wedding day.

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6 responses to “Becoming married vs. getting married

  1. Love it. After almost 20 years, we too have finally become married. It’s a difficult dance but oh so worth it. Congrats!!

  2. nuggetsandpearls

    Aw, that’s lovely and really romantic. Congratulations.

  3. This is a beautiful representation of what marriage really is. Even at 20 years, I still think of us as “becoming” married. We know each other about as well as we can–predicting each others’ moves, but it remains work, constant work that sometimes seems pointless. But then it becomes something sweetly sublime. And worth it. Happy Anniversary, a little late!

  4. Noam Chompsky (Spelling?) said kids don’t learn language…they grow it. I think marraige is like that. You don’t get married you plant a marriage.

  5. Hi all… thanks for the well wishes and wonderful comments. Sorry I haven’t responded till now. I’ve been so, so busy working on stuff around the house. There has been a lot of drywall busting, hammering, sawing, etc. Seems like the amount of stuff I am trying to fix keeps growing instead of getting smaller.

    On the plus side, the house seems to be getting to where it doesn’t have The Deistette in a constant allergy fit from mold, dust and pollen.

    thanks again for the comments and to The Pioneer… thanks for stopping in. Hope you make it back to my blog.

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