The “talk”

So last week I had…

“the talk”

with my oldest stepson.

Many of you know I have a daughter who is 20 years old (my long time readers know her as Little Fawn. And can you believe??? 20! She’s 20!  Actually not until end of May but close enough) Anyway… although I was a Wednesday night and every-other-weekend daddy for 16 years before she went off to college, I took every opportunity that arrived, after she was about 10 years old and used them as teaching moments to inform her about sexuality. She started becoming curious and asking questions so I figured it was time.

So after dozens of teaching moments over a year or so, when she finally had her first menstrual period she wasn’t scared, freaked out or worried. She knew what was happening and I’m sure in part because of me and our “mini talks” and most certainly her mother too. I cannot stand the woman at all but to her credit she did a pretty good job raising an absolutely beautiful child.

But my daughter’s a girl as well as quite mature and wise for her years. She always has been… wise and mature. Well she’s always been a girl, too. :mrgreen: Anyway, my point is those talks never seemed awkward for either of us.

This situation though… with the boy
is different.

He’s a boy who is unbelievable immature. He’s silly, doesn’t focus well — at all, is a ham, doesn’t take things seriously half the time that he should and laughs when he gets nervous. Basically he’s a nine and a half year old little boy.

So last week The Deistette calls from upstairs, “Hon! Can you come up here please?!?”

“Yeah! Can you give me a minute. I wanna finish watching…

No, no. I can’t give you a minute.
Come here now please!”

So I go upstairs to see what’s going on and she says, “can you handle…


and explain why it won’t go down. I’ll be downstairs.”

I look at the boy to see he has a pretty tremendous boner in effect. My first thought is “wow, youth really is wasted on the young.”

He looks down then looks up kinda grinning (remember I said he laughs when he’s nervous) and says, “why won’t it stop staring at you?”

Well played young sir… well played.
So this is how it’s going to go huh.

I can barely contain myself from bursting out and figure maybe the first thing I should do is get that thing to go down. I say in a pretty dead pan voice, “I’ve got an idea. Get in the tub.”

“What are you gonna do?”
(the boy steps in the tub)
“We’re gonna make it go down. I’m just gonna…
(I reach for the faucet and grunt a little)
turn the water on…
(begins turning it)
super, super hot.”

“Agh! What??? Not super hot!”

My plan is working as I can see it’s already going down at just the thought of his dangly bits getting scorched. I turn it off, tell him to get dressed and go to his room.

What proceeded to happen over the course of about 40 minutes is a discussion of our garden as an analogy to boners and lady bits; me asking him if he remembered how it is that the cantaloupes start to grow, me drawing crude pictures of a woman’s vajayjay, saying, “yes… the sperm in these things (points to his balls) IS like the pollen.”, him exclaiming about doing the deed, “oh it’s like puzzle pieces that fit together!” and other questions and insights.

Before figuring that part out though I asked him if he had any idea how the sperm got out of his giblets to pollinate the girl. He thought about it and kinda shook his head no through a face that can only be described as trying hold in a shit.

I’m not sure where I was headed with this. I guess I was just trying to lead into the actual sex part as well as masturbation. But then he said, “ummm… maybe it comes out of my mouth?”

“Hm. Well, thaaaat’s a pretty good guess. I can see how you might think that. (Actually I had no idea how he could think that seeing how I had just drawn a girl’s crotch from different viewpoints with uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes AND vagina/birth canal which, even with my crude drawings, said vagina/birth canal would obviously accept the stick-like drawing of a penis and balls that I did.

So I added kind of cautiously knowing that this needed to be stated delicately, “buhhhht if the spermatozoa were to come out of our mouth…. [pause] how would it get to the girl to pollinate her?”

He thought about it and gave me a weird look, you know that same trying-to-hold-in-a-turd look and said, “maybe we put it there with our hand?”

“Hm. Yeah. Ummmm, no. See the sperm are kinda delicate and they kinda need to be RIGHT next to the opening of the girl…

[You know that look puppies sometimes give you when you make a high pitched noise and they cock their heads sideways, their eyebrows go up and their ears are at attention? That’s what happened next.]

… sooooo if it came out of our mouth we’d probably have to…”

The boy: “Oh my God!!! put our mouths where she pees? Who would want to do that?”

I was hoping the “guilty as charged” look was not completely transparent on my face.

Me in a deadpan tone: “Yeah. I don’t know who would want to do that? That’s kinda nasty.”

Him: “Yeah it is!”

Sooooo do you have any other ideas?
He finally figured it out and blurted out his puzzle-piece epiphany. He asked if girls have something happen to them like his “thingy getting super stiff.”

So came the introduction to the word “arousal” and I explained that sometimes girls boobs will get pokey but sometimes that just happens when they get cold so that isn’t really a sure sign. I also talked about how a girl’s private area will get wet and slippery if she’s aroused because if it didn’t “well, you couldn’t get that thing in there to put the pollen in.”

It was pretty awkward. There were some off the wall questions that I can’t even remember and I’m sure I’m not doing the moment any justice on how funny it is now in retrospect.

The UU congregations here in Houston coordinate and host the O.W.L (Our Whole Lives) sexuality curricula for our young ones and it looks like we might have to register him for it the next time it cranks up for his age group.

Every parent I have ever known (a couple dozen at least) who had their child go through O.W.L. classes has had nothing but praise.  The O.W.L. classes will allow any child from any faith (or non-faith) to participate in the classes.  If you have a young one who is beginning to get curious about their sexuality, asking questions or a teen who could use the class, I would highly recommend looking into these classes.

One response to “The “talk”

  1. L…O…L…

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