Category Archives: grief

regret


I wrote about one of my dearest, bestest friends of my life after she got married. She is a wonderful, beautiful, caring sweet woman and I’m certain she is one of my soulmates.

She and her husband were married in May of last year and they got pregnant in mid-January. Although both, in their early 40’s, they knew trying to have a baby at this age might pose some risks and have its challenges.

But she wants a baby. She wants a baby so bad.

About eight years ago, she half jokingly asked if I would help her have a baby. I told her there was no way that was gonna happen. First of all I was married and secondly if there was a baby comin’ it was gonna be made the old fashioned way and I didn’t see that happening… AT ALL!

I told my wife (my wife at that time) about the conversation we’d had where Paula had made this ridiculous suggestion and my wife said it wasn’t so ridiculous at all. My wife, was an amazing person. She was surprisingly supportive of the idea and said if that was something we could give her (“we” because it would certainly need her support as well) that we should do that for her.

Well, we didn’t. I thought about it. I actually thought about having sex with my long-time best friend to try and have a baby with her but I just… couldn’t.

Anyway… She had boyfriends along the way and a couple who even talked of marriage but nothing until last year.

[sigh]

I talked to her this morning on the way to work. We don’t talk much anymore because she lives in New Braunfels, Tx and she’s married and life has just taken over. We used to have a standing “date”. Dinner every Tuesday to catch up but we barely talk but once every month or two now.

After a few minutes of catching up I asked how the baby making business was coming along. I thought to myself she should be about four months or so now.

[Paula serious in a serious whisper] “Jules.”
[slight pause]
“um… yeah.”
[Paula’s voice cracks a little] “I miscarried”

The pain in her voice was so real it hurt me to my core. She said they were going to try again soon but she’s realistic and believes she won’t be able to carry a baby to term. She doesn’t think she’ll ever know what it’s like to have “her” baby inside “her” belly.

I sometimes wish I would have given her that baby eight years ago.

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an absence


I haven’t been around here in a while…  I’ve been absent.

I’ve been reading a little and making a comment now and again but I haven’t written in more than a month… close to six weeks or so now.

I’ve wanted to though. I’ve had quite a few things pop in my head to write about but I feel like unless I write about what happened in November and get it off my chest I just can’t post anything else.

I mean, when i started this blog I thought it would just be me reading this. I had no idea people would stumble on this and take a look and that I would find myself in a little community of people I  feel close to.  It didn’t even occur to me that I would find a community of writers who I look forward to reading about… you know, reading about their lives and that they would want to know what’s happening with me.

I was also hoping that maybe some day, my daughter would find this and read about me and maybe learn a little about her dad that I didn’t tell her when she was young.

Hi Little Fawn.  You out there reading this?   : )

Anyway…  so with my little blogging community of friends  and daughter in mind I feel compelled to write about what happened to me and The Deistette several weeks ago.

By the way, The Deistette is here, too.  Say hi Emilie.

Deistette:  hi everyone.

Deist: Sooooo…. what do you think, Emmie.  I guess we could start with a little synopsis and get everyone up to speed.

Deistette:  ok

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NaNoWriMO – is there a do over


Ugh… I really thought I could pull off NaNoWriMo.  When Lazy Buddhist threw out the idea I thought, “i think i could do this.  Having a friend in the mix might make it a little easier to pull off, too.”   Then Amuirin over at Stop and Wander joined in, also…  and they are both doing fantastic on their word count by the way.

But November hit me hard.

Life hit me hard… [sigh] and NaNoWriMo quickly got put to the backburner.

The Deistette and I have been going through something really tough.  We’ve crammed about five years of relationship into five months and we’ve come to a spot that has been tough to deal with.

The one thing I’m grateful for is that we’re in it together, we wavered a bit but ultimately it’s made us closer.  Kinda the way centrifugal force during a car rollover smashes people in the backseat closer but closer nonetheless. Hey at least i haven’t let go of my sense of humor, right.

Anyway, I’m not letting up on WriMo though.  I’ve had about a week and a half of the nineteen NaNoWriMo days slip away from me because of unforeseen events but I’ll forge ahead to the end.  I’m gonna keep writing. It’s therapeutic in a way.

If you wanna see a new excerpt click on my WriMo page link just under my wordcount badge.

cyclists hit in South Texas, one dead


This is an unbelievable tragedy and something I fear as I get on my bike near my neighborhood in the evenings. A number of times I’ve had vehicles come dangerously close and for no reason other than to just be assholes.

The above picture however does not capture the moronic behavior of an ignorant redneck, cell phone using teen or just plain dumb ass.

No, it captures the act of a criminal… hopped up on drugs and drunk off his ass.

I’m afraid the Texan in me comes out when i see or hear of something like this and the UU in me gets placed to the rear.

My thoughts about what should happen to this person goes against what most UUs think about the value and worth of life. It goes against the Buddhist thought of not inflicting pain or suffering on sentient beings. It goes against my own thought of not harming others…

but this son of bitch should fry.

[Deist shakes his head and rubs his sore knee from yesterday’s 10-mile bike ride]

a first kiss


So one of my newly added blogroll peeps answered one of his 7 meme’s questions by talking about his first kiss and it reminded me of mine.

My first kiss was when I was in third grade. Lisa Bull. We were in line waiting outside to go into the cafeteria and a couple of her friends dared her to kiss me. She was taller and stronger than me. Of course that’s not saying much as I’m not very tall to begin with and was always the shortest kid through school.

So she pushed me up against the wall, kinda man handled me and then smashed her face against mine.

I remember thinking, “I just had my first kiss!
hmmm… i wish my first kiss had been with someone prettier.”

Instead of, “oh my god, i’ve just been man handled by a girl, forced to do something against my will and publicly humiliated.”

Funny the things that go through the mind of a third grader.

… a sorrow divided


Amuirin, who periodically stops by and shows some love on my posts recently added this little gem to a rather personal story I disclosed.

Something I’ve noticed is that every so often those in Blogland purge. Perhaps in an exercise of catharsis they tell a life’s story of pain or loss or grief. More often than not, these life stories are quite moving and I think it can be difficult to respond to deeply personal posts like that.

Those who have been writing, even for a short while, seem to have found at least a small online community whose members are a part of the catharsis. They’re a part of it because their comments let us know we aren’t the only ones who hurt or feel from the same story.

At my church we open a space during Sunday service where people can share the sorrows and joys in their lives. We say, “Let it be that a joy shared is a joy multiplied and a sorrow shared is a sorrow divided.”

Thank you friends… for dividing my sorrow a little.