Category Archives: heartbreak

regret


I wrote about one of my dearest, bestest friends of my life after she got married. She is a wonderful, beautiful, caring sweet woman and I’m certain she is one of my soulmates.

She and her husband were married in May of last year and they got pregnant in mid-January. Although both, in their early 40’s, they knew trying to have a baby at this age might pose some risks and have its challenges.

But she wants a baby. She wants a baby so bad.

About eight years ago, she half jokingly asked if I would help her have a baby. I told her there was no way that was gonna happen. First of all I was married and secondly if there was a baby comin’ it was gonna be made the old fashioned way and I didn’t see that happening… AT ALL!

I told my wife (my wife at that time) about the conversation we’d had where Paula had made this ridiculous suggestion and my wife said it wasn’t so ridiculous at all. My wife, was an amazing person. She was surprisingly supportive of the idea and said if that was something we could give her (“we” because it would certainly need her support as well) that we should do that for her.

Well, we didn’t. I thought about it. I actually thought about having sex with my long-time best friend to try and have a baby with her but I just… couldn’t.

Anyway… She had boyfriends along the way and a couple who even talked of marriage but nothing until last year.

[sigh]

I talked to her this morning on the way to work. We don’t talk much anymore because she lives in New Braunfels, Tx and she’s married and life has just taken over. We used to have a standing “date”. Dinner every Tuesday to catch up but we barely talk but once every month or two now.

After a few minutes of catching up I asked how the baby making business was coming along. I thought to myself she should be about four months or so now.

[Paula serious in a serious whisper] “Jules.”
[slight pause]
“um… yeah.”
[Paula’s voice cracks a little] “I miscarried”

The pain in her voice was so real it hurt me to my core. She said they were going to try again soon but she’s realistic and believes she won’t be able to carry a baby to term. She doesn’t think she’ll ever know what it’s like to have “her” baby inside “her” belly.

I sometimes wish I would have given her that baby eight years ago.

Advertisements

an absence


I haven’t been around here in a while…  I’ve been absent.

I’ve been reading a little and making a comment now and again but I haven’t written in more than a month… close to six weeks or so now.

I’ve wanted to though. I’ve had quite a few things pop in my head to write about but I feel like unless I write about what happened in November and get it off my chest I just can’t post anything else.

I mean, when i started this blog I thought it would just be me reading this. I had no idea people would stumble on this and take a look and that I would find myself in a little community of people I  feel close to.  It didn’t even occur to me that I would find a community of writers who I look forward to reading about… you know, reading about their lives and that they would want to know what’s happening with me.

I was also hoping that maybe some day, my daughter would find this and read about me and maybe learn a little about her dad that I didn’t tell her when she was young.

Hi Little Fawn.  You out there reading this?   : )

Anyway…  so with my little blogging community of friends  and daughter in mind I feel compelled to write about what happened to me and The Deistette several weeks ago.

By the way, The Deistette is here, too.  Say hi Emilie.

Deistette:  hi everyone.

Deist: Sooooo…. what do you think, Emmie.  I guess we could start with a little synopsis and get everyone up to speed.

Deistette:  ok

Continue reading

the phenomenon of proximity


I took a social psych class when I was in school and i remember a lecture where the instructor asked the class (those who were married, engaged, or had ever been in a serious relationship) to think about how they met. He waited a few seconds to let that sink in and he began to explain about percentages, statistics and equations that showed a direct link to relationships and the physical proximity of the participants of said relationship when the opportunity for the relationship to begin occurred.

ok, I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something like that. Basically, he was saying the possibility for a relationship to begin Continue reading

there goes the bride


I have a friend who is getting married. Married to someone she met four months ago. I’ve had a crush on said friend (maybe, crush is too light of a word… loved this friend of mine for three years.) Anyway, I’ve known, pretty much from the beginning, it would never evolve into anything more than a friendship because of our differing views on spirituality.

I never told her how I felt about her for fear of losing a friend but about two months ago I thought, “what the heck” and I sent her a text message one night that said, “Dare You To Move is on the radio. Reminds me of the concert we went to. Wish you had picked me.” I haven’t heard from her since.
So a few days ago I e-mailed her asking how the wedding plans were coming along, had she settled on a date, did she find a place yet and did she still want me to take the pictures.

Her lack of detail leads me to believe my services are no longer required that I am not invited and that perhaps I have lost a friend.

Yes the big day is coming soon, John and I are getting married Nov 30th and will be on our honeymoon the following week.

You and I have been friends for a long time. So when I got your text message a few weeks ago, it brought up some sad feelings. There was a time that I considered being more than friends with you. I wanted it actually. I wanted to be with you. But I denied the temptation because of my beliefs. The Bible specifically says not to be yoked with someone who is not a believer. So I prayed for you to accept and believe that Jesus is Lord and that He died for your sins. I hoped you would believe. I still do hope for that – even though it is too late for you and me.

Sometimes not saying anything for fear of losing someone is the dumbest thing you can do. It’s hard being a UU sometimes. It’s hard knowing others don’t view you as worthy. “I am human and I need to be loved.”

WARNING: self induced depression-type, pathetically needy, 80s angst, momma-didn’t-hug-me-enough, pre-emo, emo song coming up.

on dreams and lost love


Today, I woke up much earlier than I normally do. In fact, this is the fourth morning in a row this has happened. The fourth time my dream has been invaded by the same person. The fourth night that I have seen, one who I believe is one of my soulmates.

I don’t know why this is happening. I don’t know why five years after she left I still ache to see her and feel her touch. I miss her.

I don’t remember the dreams. I only remember her being in them. In them I feel as though I’m mute and can’t speak out to her. It feels as though I’m so close to reaching her but can’t.

Five years ago, as we were in the throws of our dying marriage and its last breaths being taken, I remember at the very end thinking I had exhausted every effort possible to convince her not to leave… even giving up my dignity, getting on my knees begging her not to leave… begging her. There was no convincing her to stay. She was resolute. I said everything I could except goodbye.

I never said goodbye.

[Deist gets out of bed and gets in the shower]

soulmates…


I’ve always liked the idea of soulmates. I’ll admit it… i’ve bought into the idea. I like to believe there is someone out there who is absolutely perfect for me. I want to believe. I almost need to believe.Unfortunately there is nothing to base it on except my gut instinct… faith I guess you could call it and a myth invented by Plato… or at least attributed to him. I guess that’s not a bad thing considering the writer. I mean my man Plato was a pretty smart guy. But I was kinda hopin’ to find something to base this on in words that are considered by most a little more scriptural or canonical though (i.e. Quaran, The Bible, Torah, Vedic Scripture, etc).

But despite my half ass efforts towards a little internet research, I could find nothing that indicated that any of the Abrahamic religions speak to this nor do any of the eastern philosphies or the earth centered traditions.

New-ager types, neuvo-reincarnato/recycled souls apologetics and the like embrace the idea (groups whose ideas I tend to align myself with) but I haven’t been able to find any attribution to any of the older sacred texts that mention the concept of a twin flame or soul mate.

So why not just go with my gut. It keeps me alive. It tells me when I’m hungry. Gives me a flight or fight feeling. My gut’s given me the right intuition so far and kept me alive. And the idea of my twin flame being out there somewhere helps me to keep on, keepin on.

Alright, there we go. Soulmates… [check in the box under the yes column]

Peace y’all.

[Deist looks over his shoulder… thinks to himself “nope… haven’t found her yet. But she’s got to be around here somewhere.“]

when life gets in the way, Part 3


I have a dear friend who adopted me as a little brother shortly after we met. She has no family and is (except for a few very close friends) alone in this world . She’s beautiful and smart and intelligent and just an amazing person… she’s the big sister I never had.

She also has a natural maternal streak in her and as such is quite protective of me, too.

I told her about my new infatuation and she says, “jules, please be careful.”

She said it the way a parent tells their child when he’s messin’ with something and getting hurt is inevitable. And instead of taking the child out of the situation, the parent let’s a “you’ve got to learn on your own” lesson happen.

So instead of ordering me to keep away from this girl she just tells me “please be careful.”

She knows me. She knows it’s been so very long since I’ve had anyone in my life who I really loved and loved me back. Maybe that’s why she didn’t order me to stay away and instead just said “please be careful.”

She made dinner for me and some friends at her house one evening in December and my birthday is very close to the end of the year. While having some drinks afterward she snuggles up against me hugging me tight, laying her head on my shoulder and asks, “what do you want in the New Year, Julie. What do you want for your birthday.” (i hate to admit it but she calls me that sometimes… i like jules better. I think i could handle Julie better if it was said the way Rocky would say it. You know… “hey juLee” Hey Adrienne… Hey Paulee… Hey juLee.)

anyway…

I don’t know why I felt compelled to answer the way I did. Was it because I was close to turning 40, feeling nostalgic at the New Year approaching… or had just enough Fat Tire Amber in me that sis had bought for me? I don’t know.

So I answer her by saying, “I want to meet someone. I want to meet the right someone. That’s what i want in the new year.” Our other friends (all women) gave the obligatory “awww” and hugged me. Saying I’m too nice a guy. I’ll meet someone.

And so… here I am, mid way through the new year and I’ve met someone…. I think I may have met a right someone. I think I may have met a right someone who could possibly be THE one.

But…

But maybe I should have also told sis “I want to meet the right person at the right time.”

If you hadn’t read my previous posts on this, the quick run-down is: my latest infatuation is married but going through a divorce. They live in separate homes but interact with each other on a daily basis as if still married. She and I met about three weeks ago after having met three years earlier while working on a project together. Since meeting again, we’ve been working together on a rush project that involves her husband and a few other people. Because of that project we have talked on the phone just about every day and through our conversations have also grown very close.

So back to the “But…”

As the saying goes… all things come to an end. She just told me she can’t talk to or see me any longer. She is surprised at what strong feelings she has developed for me in such a short time but she and her husband are going to try and reconcile and it would be best if we didn’t communicate any longer.

I wish sis would have ordered me to keep away from her. I wish she would have said, “quit messin’ with that. You’re gonna get hurt.” [sigh] 😐