Category Archives: legalistic

why you gotta be hatin’!

I had lunch the other day with my dad and as pursuant to his M.O. he moved the conversation towards religion.

His spiritual path has seen him walking as a young man almost entering the priesthood, to evolving into a rabid atheist, to finding religion again and becoming an equally rabid religious legalist.

He asked me if I’ve found out any more about the UU Ad Campaign. (which by the way it is my opinion whoever thought up that lame ass campaign should be fired, shot or both. If anyone from the UUA reads this you might want to go check and see if the person who thought this shit up even has a marketing degree.)

But I digress. Apparently the adverts are being seen. As we talked about it a little, he made a condescending remark, kind of imitating the voice of a whiny child saying the next thing you know you will have homosexuals coming to your church because “they don’t want to be told what to do. And, ‘I can do whatever I want’.” Sounds like what a religious legalist would say right.

To which I responded, “actually that is something that we pride ourselves, in that we are accepting of everyone. Our history of universalism tells us that we believe in universal salvation. People are too good for God to condemn and my congregation actually does have some homosexual couples who are members.”

“What?!? You have homosexuals in your church?”

It confounds him, as if he just heard some scientist say we’re on the brink of technology that can allow us to heat food in a box in only seconds… “we call it a microwave.”

“WHAT! It can’t be. There’s just no way. Heat food in seconds? Homosexuals allowed in church?”

You know… I would think if there was something so important for us mere mortals to concern ourselves with such as what grown consenting adults do in their bedroom, certainly Jesus of Nazareth would have said something about it. Anything!  Something!  At least, “don’t do that.”

But he didn’t.   Jesus never directly said anything about homosexuality and there are only six places where it is mentioned in the Bible.

We ought to try and expend more of our energy on trying to treat each other with a little goodwill rather than slinging hash about what we do in the bedroom.

[Deist thinks of Seinfeld episode The Outing and giggles to himself, “hee hee hee… classic. “not that there’s anything wrong with that.” Bwaah haa ha!!! ]

three good rules

I used to be on a speaker’s circuit. yes, believe it or not, i was paid and requested to speak to audiences.

When I was in the military, I was the mouthpiece for the command and would advise the C.O. on matters public affairs. I would periodically be asked to represent my command and speak on a subject appropriate to the event. Some memorable ones are noted below.

Sweeny Elementary the day before the Mosquito Festival. Sweeny, Tx pop: 3,624
The Sisters of Mercy Hospital on Veterans Day. Houston, Tx approx 23 people in attendance.
Spring Branch Elementary in Houston for Career Day. This was a big one. Grades K-5th. Of course all they wanted to know was if I ever shot anyone.

I remember my 7th grade English teacher responded to the question “how long should our report be?” by saying, “It should be as long as a girls dress… Long enough to cover everything but short enough to be interesting.” It was one of the most profound things i think i learned in junior high other than learning my civics teacher (who I had a huge crush on) drank beer. This I learned when I walked into a Charlie’s Hamburger joint and saw her there with friends. I was mortified as was she. But I digress.

So I used to apply the “girls dress” concept to speaking engagements. However I always left enough time to end with these three rules, that I called “The Sergeant’s Rules to Live By.”

If it’s not yours… don’t touch it without asking.
If it’s smaller than your elbow… don’t put it in your ear.
And if it isn’t food or medicine… it probably shouldn’t go in your mouth.

I’m gonna send a letter to the Pope or somebody in charge and see if we can add these somewhere in The Good Book. I mean c’mon… these are good rules to live by. Besides it’s been done before. I’m reading a book that says so. It’s called “Misquoting Jesus: The Story Behind Who Changed the Bible and Why”. So if it’s been done before why can’t we add a few more good rules. We should probably add something about keeping with good oral hygiene as well. Just makes sense.

[Deist reaches for the dental floss]