Category Archives: relationships

regret


I wrote about one of my dearest, bestest friends of my life after she got married. She is a wonderful, beautiful, caring sweet woman and I’m certain she is one of my soulmates.

She and her husband were married in May of last year and they got pregnant in mid-January. Although both, in their early 40’s, they knew trying to have a baby at this age might pose some risks and have its challenges.

But she wants a baby. She wants a baby so bad.

About eight years ago, she half jokingly asked if I would help her have a baby. I told her there was no way that was gonna happen. First of all I was married and secondly if there was a baby comin’ it was gonna be made the old fashioned way and I didn’t see that happening… AT ALL!

I told my wife (my wife at that time) about the conversation we’d had where Paula had made this ridiculous suggestion and my wife said it wasn’t so ridiculous at all. My wife, was an amazing person. She was surprisingly supportive of the idea and said if that was something we could give her (“we” because it would certainly need her support as well) that we should do that for her.

Well, we didn’t. I thought about it. I actually thought about having sex with my long-time best friend to try and have a baby with her but I just… couldn’t.

Anyway… She had boyfriends along the way and a couple who even talked of marriage but nothing until last year.

[sigh]

I talked to her this morning on the way to work. We don’t talk much anymore because she lives in New Braunfels, Tx and she’s married and life has just taken over. We used to have a standing “date”. Dinner every Tuesday to catch up but we barely talk but once every month or two now.

After a few minutes of catching up I asked how the baby making business was coming along. I thought to myself she should be about four months or so now.

[Paula serious in a serious whisper] “Jules.”
[slight pause]
“um… yeah.”
[Paula’s voice cracks a little] “I miscarried”

The pain in her voice was so real it hurt me to my core. She said they were going to try again soon but she’s realistic and believes she won’t be able to carry a baby to term. She doesn’t think she’ll ever know what it’s like to have “her” baby inside “her” belly.

I sometimes wish I would have given her that baby eight years ago.

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a dream the other night


I woke up Monday morning from a rather weird, odd, cooky, dream.
I was making plans for a wedding… but not to the Deistette, although we’re currently engaged. No I was marrying someone else. Someone who goes to my church. And all this with The Deistette’s knowledge.

In fact, the whole thing was some sort of scheme… some sort of plan that would benefit all of us somehow. Even the people in my congregation knew the wedding being planned was a scam and they were all in on making it appear real.

I couldn’t figure out why though. What was the purpose. Why was I willing to forge a marriage. I still can’t figure it out.

It reminded me of question I heard once though. I was on a road trip with some friends and one of the guys pulled out this book that had about 300 or so questions that were supposed spark conversation or debate. One that really stuck with me was this one:

After having dinner at a restaurant you’ve never visited or probably will go back to, the waiter brings you the bill and you notice he/she forgot to add the dessert which was about five dollars. What do you do? Do you tell the waiter of the oversight or do you simply give a bigger tip than you would have… covering or coming close to the five dollar difference.

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a thousand words


I’ve gotten on my movie short kick again and found a movie I absolutely love.
It’s very well shot and watching it in HD is really nice.

I also thought it was rather appropriate to post about this short since so many bloggers are writing about hope in the wake of the inauguration. I thought this was a pretty good example of hope as well as trust… hope in what could possible be. Trust that your message will be carried out once you put it out there.

It’s amazing what some directors and writers can achieve in just a few minutes and with no words being spoken at all.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Directed by Ted Chung. Ted Chung is a director and screenwriter based in Los Angeles, California.

an absence


I haven’t been around here in a while…  I’ve been absent.

I’ve been reading a little and making a comment now and again but I haven’t written in more than a month… close to six weeks or so now.

I’ve wanted to though. I’ve had quite a few things pop in my head to write about but I feel like unless I write about what happened in November and get it off my chest I just can’t post anything else.

I mean, when i started this blog I thought it would just be me reading this. I had no idea people would stumble on this and take a look and that I would find myself in a little community of people I  feel close to.  It didn’t even occur to me that I would find a community of writers who I look forward to reading about… you know, reading about their lives and that they would want to know what’s happening with me.

I was also hoping that maybe some day, my daughter would find this and read about me and maybe learn a little about her dad that I didn’t tell her when she was young.

Hi Little Fawn.  You out there reading this?   : )

Anyway…  so with my little blogging community of friends  and daughter in mind I feel compelled to write about what happened to me and The Deistette several weeks ago.

By the way, The Deistette is here, too.  Say hi Emilie.

Deistette:  hi everyone.

Deist: Sooooo…. what do you think, Emmie.  I guess we could start with a little synopsis and get everyone up to speed.

Deistette:  ok

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NaNoWriMO – is there a do over


Ugh… I really thought I could pull off NaNoWriMo.  When Lazy Buddhist threw out the idea I thought, “i think i could do this.  Having a friend in the mix might make it a little easier to pull off, too.”   Then Amuirin over at Stop and Wander joined in, also…  and they are both doing fantastic on their word count by the way.

But November hit me hard.

Life hit me hard… [sigh] and NaNoWriMo quickly got put to the backburner.

The Deistette and I have been going through something really tough.  We’ve crammed about five years of relationship into five months and we’ve come to a spot that has been tough to deal with.

The one thing I’m grateful for is that we’re in it together, we wavered a bit but ultimately it’s made us closer.  Kinda the way centrifugal force during a car rollover smashes people in the backseat closer but closer nonetheless. Hey at least i haven’t let go of my sense of humor, right.

Anyway, I’m not letting up on WriMo though.  I’ve had about a week and a half of the nineteen NaNoWriMo days slip away from me because of unforeseen events but I’ll forge ahead to the end.  I’m gonna keep writing. It’s therapeutic in a way.

If you wanna see a new excerpt click on my WriMo page link just under my wordcount badge.

road trip!!!


A little more than three weeks ago The Deistette and I spent about 14 hours on the road together as we left Amarillo with all her stuff packed in a U-Haul and headed to Houston. (by the way, I found out she’s a Jew.  A Jewish Deistette… do they really make those?  Huh, who knew.)

Coincidentally it was the same weekend Hurricane Ike decided to come into town. I wanted to post this right after we got back but I’ve been kinda busy with work stuff and church stuff and trying to unscrew my house from what was latent storm damage. The appearance of mold has confirmed water got in somehow . Continue reading

tempest in a gulf coast cup


Well, it’s been a couple of years since we had one bear down on us. Although when Rita threatened to slam into Houston I wasn’t too concerned. Not really sure why.

But Hurricane Ike… now Ike could swing up and graze us pretty good (at least on the western half of Houston) and give us a little something to think about… kinda like cousin Guido giving you a little knife cut across the cheek. (Hm…Not sure where that came from. I had a weird dream about the mob last night though.)

Anyway, The Deistette and I are fleeing the city. Not cuz of Ike but because we already had plans to fly out. I guess I didn’t mention this but she’s been here for a couple of weeks trying to find a job. Yep, she’s making the move to live here and be near me. Sorry gals… i guess i’m officially off the market.

~~~

I worry about things not working out between us and me being that guy she talks about with disdain later on in life. When I think about it, it reminds me of one time when I was talking to a girl as she helped fit my daughter for some boots. I asked her how long she’d been here in Texas. I could tell she wasn’t from here. She said about three weeks.

“Three weeks! No kiddin’. Well, welcome to Texas.”

“thanks,” she said with a little resentment in her voice.

“Sooo…,” i began wondering why the tone in her voice changed. “What brought you to Texas.”

“a BOY!”

She explained that not long after she got here he was pretty much done with her. She had spent what little savings she had to move down and was now away from her family, friends and without anyone she knew.

~~~

So the reason I bring up the story is because The Deistette and I have had some growing pains. It’s bound to happen when you stuff two people who are still trying to get to know each other into an 1,100 square foot little house… the both of us realize this. We knew it would happen… every relationship has its moments of tension and so we actually talked about how we would try to get through the inevitable argument well before it even happened.

And so… it happened. We’ve had moments where we didn’t see eye to eye and things got rather heated and uncomfortable. There has been a time or two where a little storm started to brew… in fact one of those times it felt like the storm was blowing pretty hard.

But… we made it through, we were able to see the bigger picture, we said we were sorry, we hugged and we set ourselves back on track and the sky looks beautiful again.

“Hurricane Rita Goes Away” Photo from Uhop‘s Flickr photostream

well, we didn’t kill each other


In my previous post I talked about how my little Deistette was coming down to H-town from up in the panhandle to visit me. It was nice. It was a really nice visit as we got to learn more about each other.

It was weird for me as well. Weird having someone in my space. Weird to wake up with someone next to me. Weird to walk sideways so not to bump into each other in the hall, weird to wait to go to the restroom, weird to think “oh god, can she hear me going to the restroom.” : )

There was lots of saying “oh… sorry” as we maneuvered around each other. There were quite a few moments when I thought, “huh… i didn’t know that about her.” And it was an unusual but familiar experience (I’m referring to having been married before) to have the place where I occupy space double in its population.

The best thing about it all is she misses me and i miss her and that she’s coming back soon.

I think it’s a good sign this little dog is gonna get adopted.

i think… i’m gonna… puke.


Imagine a little dog that has been chasing the bumper of passing cars. There’s a really cool, beautiful, sleek, shiny one he’s only dreamed of being able to touch if even for just a second, let alone hold on to it for any length of time.

One day, that car stops on his street.

The driver gets out and calls for him to come over. Continue reading

The Deistette in Texas


So a few posts ago I mentioned that I met someone. Lazy Buddhist made a comment saying something to the effect of “… well, whoever she is, she is a very lucky girl to have met you.” Thanks LB… it’s really, really sweet of you to say.

Soooo… with that comment in mind, I thought I would tell you a little bit about who she is.

I found her through yet another attempt at a dating website. And despite her profile saying she is 27 (ouch…), with two young sons (double ouch), a Christian (ouch!… like being kicked in the ding ding) and living in a small town on the other side of the state, I thought what the hell, I’ll write to her just to see.

Well, she wrote back! And in the almost month that we’ve been e-mailing, texting, sending pictures and talking on the phone I’ve gotten to know a lot about her.

Physically, she isn’t quite the type of woman I would normally date. Not that I’m not attracted to her physically, because I am very much so, it’s just, only on a couple of occasions have I ever dated a girl who is so…

hmmm… how to put this… so…

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