Category Archives: self respect

The day after the party (part 1 of 3)

I didn’t do much for New Year’s Eve. My friend Tom used to call it… amateur hour. I didn’t feel like getting out into the fray with all the crazies this year… actually only two or three times have I done New Year’s Eve the way many people do with a huge party, loads of drinking and revelry.

I’ve never really been one to do or say resolutions for the new year either. But this year, I’m breaking with my usual and have very high hopes for a few changes.

About three months ago I was the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve never had a weight problem. Actually that’s a bit of a lie. When I was Continue reading


when life gets in the way, Part 3

I have a dear friend who adopted me as a little brother shortly after we met. She has no family and is (except for a few very close friends) alone in this world . She’s beautiful and smart and intelligent and just an amazing person… she’s the big sister I never had.

She also has a natural maternal streak in her and as such is quite protective of me, too.

I told her about my new infatuation and she says, “jules, please be careful.”

She said it the way a parent tells their child when he’s messin’ with something and getting hurt is inevitable. And instead of taking the child out of the situation, the parent let’s a “you’ve got to learn on your own” lesson happen.

So instead of ordering me to keep away from this girl she just tells me “please be careful.”

She knows me. She knows it’s been so very long since I’ve had anyone in my life who I really loved and loved me back. Maybe that’s why she didn’t order me to stay away and instead just said “please be careful.”

She made dinner for me and some friends at her house one evening in December and my birthday is very close to the end of the year. While having some drinks afterward she snuggles up against me hugging me tight, laying her head on my shoulder and asks, “what do you want in the New Year, Julie. What do you want for your birthday.” (i hate to admit it but she calls me that sometimes… i like jules better. I think i could handle Julie better if it was said the way Rocky would say it. You know… “hey juLee” Hey Adrienne… Hey Paulee… Hey juLee.)


I don’t know why I felt compelled to answer the way I did. Was it because I was close to turning 40, feeling nostalgic at the New Year approaching… or had just enough Fat Tire Amber in me that sis had bought for me? I don’t know.

So I answer her by saying, “I want to meet someone. I want to meet the right someone. That’s what i want in the new year.” Our other friends (all women) gave the obligatory “awww” and hugged me. Saying I’m too nice a guy. I’ll meet someone.

And so… here I am, mid way through the new year and I’ve met someone…. I think I may have met a right someone. I think I may have met a right someone who could possibly be THE one.


But maybe I should have also told sis “I want to meet the right person at the right time.”

If you hadn’t read my previous posts on this, the quick run-down is: my latest infatuation is married but going through a divorce. They live in separate homes but interact with each other on a daily basis as if still married. She and I met about three weeks ago after having met three years earlier while working on a project together. Since meeting again, we’ve been working together on a rush project that involves her husband and a few other people. Because of that project we have talked on the phone just about every day and through our conversations have also grown very close.

So back to the “But…”

As the saying goes… all things come to an end. She just told me she can’t talk to or see me any longer. She is surprised at what strong feelings she has developed for me in such a short time but she and her husband are going to try and reconcile and it would be best if we didn’t communicate any longer.

I wish sis would have ordered me to keep away from her. I wish she would have said, “quit messin’ with that. You’re gonna get hurt.” [sigh] 😐

when life gets in the way Part 2

Part 2 of when life gets in the way


So I met this person in a “the-fates-had-it-out-for-us” sort of way. We both by chance happened to be at a party that was being held far from where we both live. We immediately recognized each other as we had met about three years early during a project we were both working on as independent contractors. That earlier encounter also felt as though the fates were moving us mere mortals around on their chess board.

So at the party, she had a proposition for me. She asked if I could help her work on a project with her and her husband. They’re trying to get the project completed before mid-August and with production times factored in it needs to be finished soon and so they need help. So… the fates have created a legitimate situation where I can be in contact with her.


During the past couple of weeks I’ve seen her four times… (along with her husband and a couple of other partners that are involved to work out the details of this rush project). I’ve also talked with her on the phone for hours at a time… catching up, talking about the project and about life in general and the curves it sometimes throws. The several hours of conversations have reinforced an already strong connection. You ever felt that?…. an immediate strong connection with someone just after meeting? That’s how this is but at the same time something feels…

I don’t know… not quite right. [ugh… deist holds his gut. There’s that yuck feeling again]

I’m supposed to see her and the others again tonight. We’re all meeting at her place (like I said in the previous post, this couple lives in separate homes). It’s kinda weird. They’re going through a divorce but one would never know by the way they are together.

I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t help but look at her but at the same time know i need to stop. I really need to stop.

I had a buddy of mine who said something to me when I got divorced several years ago. He said, “Jules… you’ve been given a second chance. I know this is rough what you’re going through but you HAVE a second chance to find that person who is really, REALLY right for you. Be discriminating as you choose.”

He said it almost as if in resignation that he had not chosen well and was envious of my position.

My re-acquainted friend said to me during one of our conversations something along the same lines. She said “by moving out I’ve been getting my self esteem back and have discovered i value myself too much to let him or anyone treat me the way I’ve been treated.”


From that statement and my friend’s words I should probably make that MY mantra. I value myself so much I will be discriminating when choosing my next mate.

Or perhaps I should keep this in mind: (guys say this one a LOT ladies) For every woman out there… there are at least three guys who are tired of putting up with her shit!

[ugh… deist grabs gut again and thinks to himself “there goes that yuck feeling again”]