Tag Archives: marriage stress

Becoming married vs. getting married


It’s the first day of Spring today and coincidentally and somewhat through design, it is also my wedding anniversary. The Deistette and I got married two years ago today.

Hardly a milestone. I mean real milestones are a 20th, 25th or 50th anniversary right?

At two years a couple is still trying to find their groove… still trying to figure out who the hell this person is sleeping next to me. At two years, we’re still working on not letting our tell-tale feelings show in a facial expression after a certain meal presented to us.

“Mmmmm… this looks [lifting a portion of dinner up with the fork for moment] um, great, hon.”

We’re still trying to figure out the dance steps necessary not to bump into each other as we get ready in the morning. We are still dealing with our personality quirks and eccentricities, dealing with having let go of a little of our former lives after we said our “I do’s” yet at the same time, we’re still new enough to our marriage to revel in dreams of what life holds in store for us as we continue our walk towards the setting sun.

Yeah, that sounds awesome doesn’t it. Like we really have our shit together and are in a great healthy marriage and are in it for the long haul.

Healthy? Maybe. I guess.
We’re not on the verge of killing each other so I guess that’s a plus.

Those engaged and newlyed this goes out to you!
This is HARD friggin’ work. Although we have a lot in common, The Deistette and I have enough differences that we make the Rebels and the Yanks look like childhood playmates. But we push through. We made a promise to each other and we ARE in for the long haul.

We’ve had some tense and some difficult moments in the short time since we got married. I mean big ones. And without getting into the details of some of what has happened along the way, just know those events have placed an extreme amount of stress on us. So much stress that there have been moments where we have said out loud, “maybe we should go our separate ways.”
[sigh]

It’s been hard. This has been really hard. But you know what…
It’s through weathering the storms, minor and major that we have become married. And the aftermath of weathering those storms creates pillars that give substance and balance and a sturdy foundation to rest our marriage on.

I ran across an article last year by Elizabeth Weil, who is a contributing writer to the New York Times Magazine. She wrote a piece about her marriage. In her second paragraph was something that has stuck with me since and helps me to try and work harder at this marriage than the other two I was in that didn’t work out.
Weil writes:

I believe that you become married — truly married — slowly, over time, through all the road-rage incidents and precolonoscopy enemas, all the small and large moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn’t plan to endure. But then you do: you endure.

Yes… we endure. And together walk towards the setting sun.
Happy Anniversary, Emmie.
We are becoming married.

she carried tulipsEmmie carried tulips on our wedding day.

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